heart to hearts

heh heh i'm thinking to myself that i will not reveal this blog to anymore than those who know of it. which equals to one person, and i'm not sure when this person will next read this.

(i think this platform allows me to express myself, and i'd like you to see me express myself. but i often don't remember the things that i think of, and they're often thought of at hours when you're not awake. like now. and when i wake up in the morning, the moment for sharing would have been long gone and it'll be like my hair being blown back when i'm facing the wind. and if i turn around, my hair's just gonna mess up my face and i'm gonna become grumpy. so i think this is my secret way of talking to you.)

i had a very nice discussion with pam before i got out of her car. hadn't had one in a ver-long time and i must say that i really miss good girl friendships like these. these are hard to come by. and i think even fewer are such good deep friendships with fun, laughter and joy thrown in.

i think many of us have many good friends. to a certain person, we tell a certain type of thing. to another, another. like if i have a friend who likes to ponder the philosophical / theological issues of life, i'd share with her when i'm facing struggles with my studies, or when i've lost sight of the purpose in life. but it'll be harder to share with this person more vulnerable emotions, like when it comes to self-worth issues. and so we show different sides of ourselves to different good friends.

it's so hard to find a girlfriend whom you can share everything with. at least i think almost everything. and this kinda relationship is so authentic. i dont think having a boyfriend would be able to replace the deep emotional connection that forms intra-gender.

well anyway. being unfulfilled at home makes me find fulfillment elsewhere and so i place a whole bunch of expectations on the things that i do / the people whom i come across (if they get close enough). and it's unfair. it's really unfair to them. i guess i can't do much about solving the fulfillment-at-home problem, but to a certain extent i can do something about the expectations i place on others / myself when i'm out there in the world. but when that gets tough.. Kaye, remember to cry out to Jesus.

reality

oh man i'm feeling awfully bored. and unmotivated. and sedentary. and lackadaisical. and NUAH. THIS IS MY DEFAULT SELF. HELP.

exams are in less than 3 weeks. i've covered less than i should have covered, knowing how long i take to understand things, and especially commit them to memory. my somewhat disinterest in what i'm studying doesn't help either.

well anyway.. i remember last week i realised... (and it's funny that i used the word 'realised'. ironic, somewhat) that reality is very hard to grasp. i realised (there i go again) that there are so many levels and shades of reality. how do you know that what you know is what is correct? and how do you know that we you see is all there is to it? i'm not talking about simply being ethnocentric here. what i'm trying to say is that it's more than that. okay i dont quite know how to describe it. but the issue here is far bigger than just considering ethnocentricity.

and i guess it's all the harder because sometimes you can't quite judge what's in your heart all the time. sometimes what motivates certain actions / behaviours is so.. subtle and faint. it's pretty hard to sift through your emotions. and then there's the issue of the interference of the mind. so often, when our actions / behaviours are called to question, we provide a logical, step-by-step, systematic breakdown of every single thing. well at least i do i think. i'm not saying that this is wrong, but perhaps there are some things that.. cannot be explained as easily / logically? okay. not quite sure where i'm going with this haha.

well in essence, reality is hard to grasp, whether it's within you, or in the universe.