too far to grasp right now

i'm confused as to whether my book is lying on the shelf or whether it's been read at times when i don't notice. i'd like to know whether the person reading it (if there is in the first place) understands this book like i do.

confusing.

i'm a bit scared of what lies ahead. there are so many uncertainties and unpredictabilities (?) to life and it's weird that in 3 years time all of us could be in really different places, like really diffferent places from where we are now. not just geographical places, but like a state of mind and heart. and another scary thing is that you sorta get the choice to decide where you want to end up?

so much responsibility to do the right thing. to pursue what's in your heart but not end up hurting or destroying the people around you!

jungle trekking

it's like a trek through a tropical rainforest now. the canopy overhead is too thick for me to see through and the undergrowth is sparse. i'm travelling without a map, only with a faint memory of what the starting point looked like - nice, luscious, evergreen. but now the strong humidity is making me feel uncomfortable and i'm sweaty and sticky all over and super duper pek chek. darkness is setting in before daybreak occurs and the smell of moss is a bit unbearable. the feelings in this jungle now are foreign.

occasionally i see flowers but i dont know where these flowers are from, and the moments are rare and fleeting. but the colours are beautiful, and when used in combination i get lost in the moment, only to remind myself that these flowers either don't belong to me, or picking them will just mess up the forest floor and my hands get sticky from them.

feel like jumping ship. or in this case, jumping forest. but i dont know.. it's not common to do so i guess.

Getting too High!

Oh my goodness the past 4 weeks have been sooooooo crazy and I gotta brace myself for another 4 weeks. I think everyone else hasn't been having a good time either. It was rather empty in the LT this morning at 10am haha and so many people were late! For once in a long time, I was early. But only cos I cabbed to school :D Can't keep cabbing to school though. Burning a hole in my small pocket hehe!

I can't wait for the F21 stuff to arrive! I've bought so many things recently.. I think it's stress relief :D Speaking of stress relief, Michelle and I were practically laughing throughout the entire day. Like seriously, from 10am to 4pm. Every 5 minutes or something like that LOL. Talk talk talk, then laugh laugh laugh, then talk talk talk, the laugh laugh laugh. Hahahah and I tend to get high whenever I'm like that.. Sometime during Pharm Prac WLL said something and some guy laughed then hahahah it was a really funny laughter so I laughed, but no one else was laughing at that point in time. So I quickly ducked my head. And omgosh, Cassie said everyone in the centre of the LT turned around to see who it was.. I don't know if they know who it was man haha.

Embarrassing. Yet really funny. Hahahah!

improvement

I think I've been managing my time slightly better this week. Not a big leap in improvement, but an improvement nonetheless and I'm pretty pleased with myself (: Thank God for His grace in enabling me to as well.

I've sorta decided that my default Friday night activity will just be cell group, and cell group alone. And I won't go for any supper after that cos it's just too tiring from the entire week of school and activities, plus I usually have activities on on Saturday. So I really gotta be disciplined this semester and not fool around so much. But last night I went to Quek's house to chill for a bit hahahahah broke my "rule" but oh well. I'm happy that I'm not going for paintball today cos it's so expensive plus I don't want to be bruised by paint blobs and get my clothes all dirty and I've got work to do. I just started doing my notes on Insect Bites. Actually Pharm Prac is quite interesting. I don't quite like Biotech though..

I'm pretty excited about Old Navy stuff coming. Haven't placed the orders yet and I'm hoping that nothing else will go OOS. Haha I wanted this top in Wise Owl, but all the XS sizes are out and I won't get XS from the tall range cos that's ridiculous. It'll be too long and I'll be stuck with a top I like very much but can't wear.

Today was a day that wasn't well spent. Wasted morning and wasted afternoon. Partially due to lack of will on my part. Restructuring notes isn't funny business man. Classifying information into more reader friendly categories is quite a headache, and really time consuming. And I don't have much time haha sigh.

Some things seemed to have changed and whilst I enjoy the memory of the old things, I know that they'll remain but old, and but a memory. Sounds so cliched right? But isn't it possible for the old to be refined and made new, and to be brought with us wherever we go? Sometimes it feels like things are moving backwards, and there's not Much I can do about it.

I think I'm enjoying myself better in school these days. Still stressed, still trailing behind and eating the dust of those who are far far ahead. Oh wait, I don't think I'm even eating their dust sometimes. Haha! They run so far ahead and the dust has fallen back to the earth and then I come along, moving so slowly and somewhat in a daze.

Not too certain about this week's cell material. God please provide insight and direction!

Grace

I think it's really encouraging when others display such gratitude for God's grace, and the encouragement goes an even longer way when you don't expect it.

I think we all have to acknowledge that we all walk different paths, and sometimes when we're veered off course, we get both worry and condemnation from our fellow believers. But God still does His amazing work and really, all things work together for the good of those who love Him.

A friend kinda stopped going to church for a while (not sure how long) but recent adversity helped her to acknowledge that it's really God's grace that's helped her through. And I think for someone to acknowledge that and to say it with such sincerity, especially when I think she hasn't exactly been "hearing" a lot of sermons, must be in some way growing in her walk with God. I think grace is not something quite easy to understand / grasp / think out sometimes. I feel that that are so many levels to God's grace that we don't understand. And what I understand of God's grace now - I think it's soooooo great, but it's not even the full measure of the grace that our God actually gives.

I'm not advocating that we stop going to church and see how we do haha, that's not the point. We are to cling on to the good Hope. But that 1) all of us have different walks 2) God is an amazing and loving God.

Wow, thank God.

School's been rather hectic. Lots of notes to rewrite, lots of things to research, lots of meetings to go for (more so than previous sems, which were uh zero haha). But more importantly, I find that I'm crossing paths with more people. And so there's more peoplek to love. And ultimately, that's more important than all the rewriting of notes, research and meetings I have to do. Currently I really find no worth in padding up the CV. Not that I've done it much in the past, but I've come to realise over the past few months, that really, in life, only loving Christ and the community matters. The rest of the things we have here on earth are just meant to help us fulfill the 2 greatest commandments.

I'm not even explaining this fully and correctly haha. It's a rather complex thing to do.

Anyway, cell group seems to be going rather smoothly. I'm always quite amazed when I'm able to put a lesson together cos I know that my natural self would fall into the category of "those who can't teach". I can't talk for so long by myself, I can't find much to say? Haha. So when I do put a lesson together, I really know that it's God enabling me to have the creativity and flow in logic. Tis really amazing.

I wanna have a 21st party heh heh. I think it's really nice to gather all the people you love in one place heh. Exciting.
Have to consider logistics though..

stock checks

I am extremely frustrated now. Putting down the phone and ending the conversation at that point in time was the easiest and least painful way of ending the conversation. So essentially we're stuck right? I can't understand it and you can't explain it and we can't communicate. How are we supposed to move on from here then? Until the answer pops into your head, I don't see how this mountain is going to be removed.

You know I must say that I've tolerated much and that I've sacrificed much of my time and energy just to be where we are now. And I can't believe that I'm saying this, cos it seems like I'm so calculating and resentful of the position that I am in now.

But perhaps I am all that. And it's freaking annoying.

But I also feel that you're not moving along fast enough, if at all.