late

It's been very long since I've posted. Cos I'm too lazy. Haha there have been a few times when I thought about stuff and wanted to post, but it'd always slip my mind or I'd just be too lazy to post it.

We're into the second week of school and I can feel the seriousness of tone. No more playing mannn ): But I can't help but feel that the quality of lecturers we have are second-rate, possibly third-rate. For a university that's ranked one of the top 100 in the world, I don't understand why we have lecturers who can't explain what they're teaching properly, lecturers who have an accent so thick that they can't be understood by locals, lecturers who come up with notes that are ill-structured, and even lecturers who tell you that they actually don't know the topic they're teaching particularly well. I feel like writing in a complaint letter, and I feel that it's valid complaint. Teachers of my secondary school weren't quite like that. They taught well, were understood, and when they weren't, were able to clarify their students' doubts.

But I have noticed that teachers who are working part time with NUS (cos they are practising outside) or teachers who used to work outside are able to express themselves more coherently. I wonder whether it has to do with the fact that if you're someone in the industry / working world and you aren't able to communicate competently, it's very likely that good things won't come your way. But perhaps in the "safer" environment of a school, people slack in communicating cos the world isn't so cruel and you're probably there doing research anyway, so you don't talk to very many people all the time.

But, really, whatever the reason, I think it doesn't quite make up for providing students with poor teaching facilities. Unnecessary stress for people who are easily stressed like me!

heart to hearts

heh heh i'm thinking to myself that i will not reveal this blog to anymore than those who know of it. which equals to one person, and i'm not sure when this person will next read this.

(i think this platform allows me to express myself, and i'd like you to see me express myself. but i often don't remember the things that i think of, and they're often thought of at hours when you're not awake. like now. and when i wake up in the morning, the moment for sharing would have been long gone and it'll be like my hair being blown back when i'm facing the wind. and if i turn around, my hair's just gonna mess up my face and i'm gonna become grumpy. so i think this is my secret way of talking to you.)

i had a very nice discussion with pam before i got out of her car. hadn't had one in a ver-long time and i must say that i really miss good girl friendships like these. these are hard to come by. and i think even fewer are such good deep friendships with fun, laughter and joy thrown in.

i think many of us have many good friends. to a certain person, we tell a certain type of thing. to another, another. like if i have a friend who likes to ponder the philosophical / theological issues of life, i'd share with her when i'm facing struggles with my studies, or when i've lost sight of the purpose in life. but it'll be harder to share with this person more vulnerable emotions, like when it comes to self-worth issues. and so we show different sides of ourselves to different good friends.

it's so hard to find a girlfriend whom you can share everything with. at least i think almost everything. and this kinda relationship is so authentic. i dont think having a boyfriend would be able to replace the deep emotional connection that forms intra-gender.

well anyway. being unfulfilled at home makes me find fulfillment elsewhere and so i place a whole bunch of expectations on the things that i do / the people whom i come across (if they get close enough). and it's unfair. it's really unfair to them. i guess i can't do much about solving the fulfillment-at-home problem, but to a certain extent i can do something about the expectations i place on others / myself when i'm out there in the world. but when that gets tough.. Kaye, remember to cry out to Jesus.

reality

oh man i'm feeling awfully bored. and unmotivated. and sedentary. and lackadaisical. and NUAH. THIS IS MY DEFAULT SELF. HELP.

exams are in less than 3 weeks. i've covered less than i should have covered, knowing how long i take to understand things, and especially commit them to memory. my somewhat disinterest in what i'm studying doesn't help either.

well anyway.. i remember last week i realised... (and it's funny that i used the word 'realised'. ironic, somewhat) that reality is very hard to grasp. i realised (there i go again) that there are so many levels and shades of reality. how do you know that what you know is what is correct? and how do you know that we you see is all there is to it? i'm not talking about simply being ethnocentric here. what i'm trying to say is that it's more than that. okay i dont quite know how to describe it. but the issue here is far bigger than just considering ethnocentricity.

and i guess it's all the harder because sometimes you can't quite judge what's in your heart all the time. sometimes what motivates certain actions / behaviours is so.. subtle and faint. it's pretty hard to sift through your emotions. and then there's the issue of the interference of the mind. so often, when our actions / behaviours are called to question, we provide a logical, step-by-step, systematic breakdown of every single thing. well at least i do i think. i'm not saying that this is wrong, but perhaps there are some things that.. cannot be explained as easily / logically? okay. not quite sure where i'm going with this haha.

well in essence, reality is hard to grasp, whether it's within you, or in the universe.

being up in the sky, okay i shall try.

i've never been one to pursue what i've dreamt of. i think i've grown up in an environment which has been too practical. and i think i've played a part in creating that environment.

the world and society teaches you to go after things that will give you a better chance of living well in life. and whilst that is good - we should all strive to make sure that we can provide financially of ourselves, though not in an obsessive manner - i wonder how good that is.

what about dreams? gee this sounds so cheesy. it's giving me goosebumps (my practical side of me is speaking). what about pursuing things that make us happy? that make us look forward to the future?

if what you're going after now makes you look forward to the future then i think you're along the right path in life. but if there's a mismatch.. maybe some of the roads need to be repaved.

i just had a conversation with sarah on skype. and i must say that she's inspired me to, okay breathe, dare to dream, dare to be adventurous, dare to be different, dare to be that one who pursues something that challenges the social norms.

okay i shall try!

shooting you daggers

Strange.

I was thinking about many many things today, and I wanted to type them all out here, but as soon as I got to the "new post" page, my mind went a complete blank.

Very strange.

Oh! I remember one thing.

I was waiting at the bus stop today, on the way home. And I wasn't really doing much, essentially zoning out from 5 hours of research and writing some stuff for a literature review I had to do and 1.5 hours of reading "breaking dawn" (hehehhe!) at Starbucks, happy that I had used my head all day (I'm determined to break away from my lazy self and make better use of my time instead of.. stressing out and sleeping ugh. But with God's strength, not my strength. Not your strength, Kaye.) so I was giving it some rest time.

Then all of a sudden this car appears 2m away from me, and there were 4 people in the car, 2 guys 2 girls. The windows were wound down. All I noticed was the girl sitting in the passenger seat. I can't even remember what colour the car was, whether it was dark blue or white, so you can tell that I honestly didn't take notice of anything but that girl.

Now, before you have strange thoughts of why I am noticing a girl.. Her eyes were the most cutting ones I've ever seen in my entire life. They were more cutting than my dad's eyes when my dad gets mad. I mean, my dad has scary eyes when he's mad. But this girl's eyes were cutting. And as cutting as they were, I wasn't prepared for this shock, and all I could do was just continue looking at them. She wasn't looking at me, thank God, and I didn't freeze and my muscles didn't tense up, but I just couldn't really move. I mean, I could have moved if I wanted to, but I just stood there and.. stared. Wow they were so cutting, I don't really know how to explain it to you.

Okay I shall try.

So, as the car slowed to a halt, she leaned forward. She looked like she was in a half-crouching position - hahah maybe my mind is too filled with twilight. sigh. - though her back wasn't hunched and I didn't see any fangs or claws haha. But her head was angled such that she wasn't looking straight out of the passenger seat window, but like, maybe 45 degrees? Oh, I think she looked like she was half bending forward to like maybe adjust her shoe or something (hahaha, creative mind there, Kaye) . But if she was really adjusting her shoe I don't see how her eyes would have been so cutting!!

Augh. All I can say is that, her eyes were cutting. And I don't know why this has intrigued me so much. Maybe cos it feels like I've understood a bit of the phrase her eyes were shooting me daggers. Haha.

Wow they were so cutting I tell you!!! If only I had a wide enough vocab range to describe it to you, or if I had an artist's hand to paint you that picture!

breaking dawn

haha i've been absolutley absorbed with reading the twilight series. i think i read the first three books within1/1.5 weeks. and i read very slowly, so can you see how many hours i'm spending on the books?! haha. onto the last book now. i don't like the way stephanie meyer writes.. it's a bit too straightforward and.. i dont know how else to describe it, but i have to admit i really like the plot! i love it when authors takes twists with stories. haha i always marvel at how creative they are.

too many things to do this week. literature review, poster draft, and i think a lab report. i think the next few weeks are going to be somewhat similar. exams are coming soon augh.

one breath at a time

i've been thinking of setting up a blog for far too long, and i've had one before, but there were so many things that were holding me back. firstly, thinking of a blog name has always been a drag. and i wanted a name that could encapsulate entirely what i wanted this blog to be like. today i came across a quote on dictionary.com (haha).

Walking seems to have become Rousseau's chosen mode of being because within a walk he is able to live in thought and reverie, to be self-sufficient, and thus to survive the world he feels has betrayed him.

-- Rebecca Solnit, Wanderlust: A History of Walking

so emo right? nah i'm not quite emo. but the phrase "live in thought and reverie" caught my eye and i felt like it was good name to have.

so anyway. part of me doesnt like having a blog cos it makes you vulnerable to others, including people who know only know you by name or face. and that's a really scary thought. but you know what? i think i care about that less now. over the year i've just realised that everyone is vulnerable, more vulnerable than they think they are.

we humans are so fragile - we can only take life one breath at a time.